Wednesday/Friday Edition, October 16th-18th

WEEK SEVEN PICKS If you're scoring at home it's still Tim 1, Computer 0 after last week's tie (me and the bag of bolts were both 2-1 with our picks). I suppose another way to look at it is to use Chess Scoring and say it's Tim 1 1/2, Computer 1/2. Anyway I must be doing something right since I now get to use the official TwoMinuteWarning.com sidebar color (0066CC for you web geeks). I've still got the lead and can surely put that rusty number cruncher to bed before too long. I've faced tougher! This hardly rates as a challenge when compared to my infamous brouhaha with the Abacus, or my "nothing left to give" clash with the scientific calculator. If you missed the beginning of all this you can visit the Week 5 Picks for a rehash. Now before we get to the picks it is time for a little humor interlude. As regular readers of Tim can attest to, the general flavor offered up is Monty Python. Tim has however received more than a touch of flak about this reliance on those strange Brits and so will go to the purely american laughtrack this week... Super Bowl Gambling Memories Announcer: And now, another "Super Bowl Gambling Memory". Narrator: "Super Bowl X. Miami. With the Pittsburgh Steelers leading the Dallas Cowboys, 21 to 10, Dallas Quarterback Roger Staubach fires a 34-yard touchdown pass to Percy Howard in the waning moments of the fourth quarter, making the final score: Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17. The Cowboys, 6-point underdogs, have beaten the spread." Announcer: This has been a "Super Bowl Gambling Memory"! -- Saturday Night Live, 1/24/1987 with Joe Montana & Walter Payton All right, that was a bit short to suffice in the humor department for today, let's do another one. Monday Night Football Al Michaels: This Teflon-coated roof will be vibrating tonight as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers battle the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football. Hello, everybody, I'm Al Michaels. The Buccaneers, who are tied for first place, are about to take on the undefeated Minnesota Vikings in what should be a thriller. Then tomorrow night on ABC, from a single girl to a mother of two in six dates flat, The Geena Davis Show. I'm joined now by Dan Fouts. Dan Fouts: Hey, Al. Al Michaels: Dan, it seems to me that the Buccaneers and the Vikings are serious Super Bowl favourites. Dan Fouts: That's right, Al. Tampa Bay is an excellent, excellent football team. But the Vikings have a great football team too. Al, my prediction is that whoever puts the most points on the scoreboard will probably win tonight's football game. Al Michaels: The expertise of a true NFL great. For an injury report, let's go to Melissa Stark. Melissa Stark: Hi, Al. Tampa Bay running back Warrick Dunn is out for the third straight game after tearing the medialateral ligament in his left knee. Now, this is a guy who's averaged 4.6 yards a carry, Al. You know, Al, you may not take me seriously because I'm a woman wearing a lavender sweater set from Club Monaco, but I know one thing, Al. I know my football! Dan Fouts: That girl's got something, she's got a real spark, and that's all right with me, Al. Al Michaels: We're joined now by Dennis Miller. Dennis, Tampa Bay coach Tony Dungie, what do you think? Dennis Miller: Well folks, tonight's pigskin competition will involve more offensive strategy than an Albert Spier designed German blitzkreig! On one side, you've got Dennis Green, a draft pick virtuoso, not to mention a guy who stole Eldridge Cleaver's afro! Ha ha! On the other side of the ball, we've got Bucko's skipper Tony Dungie, who created a pass rush just as volatile as Dennis Hopper after a three day crystal meth binge, babe! By any measure, wide receiver Randy Moss scores more often than Leo DiCaprio at an NSYNC concert at the Mall of America during a lunar eclipse! If Tampa Bay loses tonight, they'll be understudies in the Bogaraton dinner theatre production of Les Mis with Warren Sapp as Jean Valjean! Isn't that right, Albino! Al Michaels: Warren Sapp, perhaps the most feared man in the NFC, and this Friday on ABC, it's Madigan Men! Dennis Miller: Hey, Al, I saw the Madigan Men pilot. It's got fewer laughs than Molly Blum's internal monologue at the end of Jimmy Joyce's "Ulysses." Dan Fouts: Ulysses, I love this guy, Al. Dennis Miller: It's like attending Haley Joel Osment's birthday party at Benny Hara.. Dan Fouts: Dennis, you lost me on that one, buddy. Al Michaels: You know, a lot has been made about the great running backs, who better to discuss it, here's Eric Dickerson. Eric Dickerson: My man.. Who's proud about it. Dante Culpepper's proud about it. I met Dante at the bar. He passed for three touchdowns last week. I asked Dante about the Tampa Bay D. But Dante said he's not worried about that. I told him you gotta get your freak on, kid. He said, I'm a butler.. Al Michaels: Well, thoughtful commentary from the former Ram, and political drama this Wednesday on ABC's Gideon's Crossing. Dan, quarterback Shaun King, your take. Dan Fouts: Al, Shaun King knows how to throw the football. Okay, and a quarterback is able to take that football up into the air into the hands of the reciever as he's running down the field, really that'll help this team score a touchdown, and that's what this game's all about. Al Michaels: For an injury update, let's go back to Melissa Stark. Melissa Stark: Hi Al. Viking tackle Tony Williams may not play due to a groin injury. I don't know firsthand what that feels like, Al, but you probably don't understand the pain of childbirth either, Al. You know, Al, I know it's awkward for you to be working with a woman, but I wish you'd say hi to me in the hallway sometimes. Hopefully in time, Al, you won't see me as a threat, but as a colleague, who knows her football. Dan Fouts: I like this lady, Al, I really do. Dennis Miller: Dan, it looks like you're sprouting a little wood there, babe. I haven't seen a package that tight since I got a COD from Teddy Kaczinski! Al Michaels: We're just two minutes away from kickoff here at the Metrodome, and I think all of you Monday Night Football fans will agree, that this new crew that I'm working with makes me very lucky to have worked with Boomer Esaison. We'll be right back after this. [ fade out ] -- Saturday Night Live, 2000 Season I feel much better after that. All the troubles of the world just wash away. So to recap, it's me vs the O/D Ranks machine spewing forth its venemous data (yeah, there was some research article posted about all this nonsense, Read it here). To Battle then! O/D Ranks Line Week 8 Away Line Home O/D Line Pick Value Buffalo -4 Miami -6 Miami -2 Carolina -5 Atlanta -4 Carolina 1 Chicago +3 Detroit 1 Detroit -2 Denver +3 Kansas City 1 Kansas City -2 Jacksonville -3.5 Baltimore -7 Baltimore -3.5 Minnesota -3 N.Y. Jets 8 Minnesota 11 Seattle -5.5 St. Louis -3 Seattle 2.5 San Francisco -2.5 New Orleans 0 San Francisco 2.5 Tampa Bay -3.5 Philadelphia -6 Philadelphia -2.5 Houston -9 Cleveland -3 Houston 6 San Diego -7 Oakland -6 San Diego 1 Dallas -3.5 Arizona -3 Dallas .5 Washington -7.5 Green Bay -11 Green Bay -3.5 Indianapolis -4.5 Pittsburgh 1 Indianapolis 5.5 ANALYSIS: That's it?? That's All?? One meager selection for the week from the O/D Machine?? The rules for Mr. O/D Computer are that a pick only qualifies if the O/D Line is 7 points away from the vegas spread. Thus my humbled foe wields one solitary weapon in week seven: Minnesota. Without using a hint of technology to throttle this imposter to my standing as world's most longwinded blowhard ~ er, mojo working professional football bettor mister Tim ~ here then is my answer to the pumped up silicon prevaricator. Tim draws one card... flips it over... to reveal... SAN DIEGO That's correct, I'm going into the den of the Silver & Black to trump the computer picks Last Week: Tim 2-1, O/D Ranks 2-1 tim@twominutewarning.com Return to TwoMinuteWarning.com Copyright © 2002 by TwoMinuteWarning.com, All Right Reserved