Monday/Wednesday/Friday Edition, November 24th-29th

Boom! Boom! BOOM! "Who's that knocking on the door?" Why, it's TIM, kicking in the sides of the O/D Computer! - None shall pass That's right, with the ultimate in pressure, facing a must win week or old Tim would be out as entertainment director, Tim delivered! - I move for no man Not just a win mind you, but a rollicking 5-1 record on the week! - Had enough, have you? For those of you with less than six-million dollar math skills, that's a cool 83% (and change) - What! Just a flesh wound. Ah, it's pretty much a foregone conclusion at this point that the old bag of bolts is on it's way to the scrap heap while Tim is heading back to the buffet table for seconds (or is it thirds?) Gosh I'm in such a chirpy mood nowadays that we might as well have a little Monty Python encore (and all the TwoMinuteWarning moles with their editorial comments and suggestions can stay hoveled up underground 'cause Tim's BACK IN CHARGE of these here proceedings!) The Cheese Shop Sketch Customer: Good Morning. Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium! Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man. Owner: What can I do for you, Sir? C: Some cheese please, my good man. O: Certainly, sir. What would you like? C: Well, how about a little red Leicester. O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir. C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit? O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday. C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please. O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning. C: It's Not my lucky day, is it? Red Windsor? O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down. C: Ah. Stilton? O: Sorry. C: Ementhal? Gruyere? O: No. C: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance. O: No. C: Double Goucester? O: [pause] No. C: Cheshire? O: No. C: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson? O: No. C: Camenbert, perhaps? O: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir. C: (suprised) You do! Excellent. O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny... C: Oh, I like it runny. O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir. C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah! O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir. C: I don't care how f***ing runny it is. Hand it over with all speed. O: Oooooooooohhh........! [pause] C: What now? O: The cat's eaten it. C: [pause] Has he. O: She, sir. C: Gouda? O: No. C: Edam? O: No. C: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you? O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-- C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. O: Fair enough. C: Greek Feta? O: Uh, not as such. C: Uuh, Gorgonzola? O: no C: Parmesan, O: no C: Mozarella, O: no C: Czech sheep's milk, O: no C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? O: Not *today*, sir, no. [pause] C: Aah, how about Cheddar? O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir. C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world! O: Not 'round here, sir. C: [slight pause] and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah? O: 'Illchester, sir. C: IS it. O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire. C: Is it. O: It's our number one best seller, sir! C: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh? O: Right, sir. C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'. O: I'll have a look, sir......nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? O: Finest in the district! C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. O: Well, it's so clean, sir! C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.... -- Monty Python THE WEEK THAT WAS / WEEK THIRTEEN PICKS Hot off the presses, the early edition TMW play-by-play ratings for your perusal from week whatever it was of this festive NFL season. For those new to the numbers read the following: PSR: Play Success Rate - every play is graded as either a success or failure Big: percentage of plays that went for big gains...10+ yards for a run, 20+ for a pass Yds: adjusted yards per play, including penalties and excluding non-plays EFR: Effectiveness rating. One number overall summary. Stats Score: This is the projected score the TMW computer would have spit out if the stats for the game were the numbers coming in. This column lets us know who "should" have won. Atlanta at Carolina Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Atlanta 46% 7% 3.3 84 61% 23% 10.4 176 37 Carolina 42% 21% 5.0 100 36% 3% 1.5 2 10 That my friend is the worst passing effort we've seen all season. I am of course referring to Carolina's "2" Effectiveness rating. Don't get too worked up Atlanta fans, Carolina are bad, bad, bad. Buffalo at N.Y. Jets Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Buffalo 55% 10% 4.4 110 51% 0% 4.7 74 14 N.Y. Jets 56% 14% 4.1 105 52% 8% 6.8 120 41 Jets rule! Jets rule! They sure have that New England circa 2001 feeling don't they? I mean going from 1-5 (and a bad 1-5) to 6-5 lickety-split. Tim said it in the midst of the doldrums, Herman Edwards is a bona fide NFL motivator and gameplanner. Buffalo? So yesterday. Cincinnati at Pittsburgh Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Cincinnati 31% 9% 2.0 63 39% 12% 7.0 100 13 Pittsburgh 37% 19% 5.0 87 56% 10% 9.6 143 46 Um, fortunately the final score wasn't exactly what the stats would suggest, but the Bungles lost anyway (has there ever been a team more ineffective inside the opponent's five yard line?) Cleveland at New Orleans Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Cleveland 29% 15% 4.8 67 39% 17% 7.6 86 18 New Orleans 28% 10% 3.0 47 47% 5% 7.1 90 17 Browns steal one in New Orleans thanks I do believe to the absence of one Deuce. Saints good but need all their pieces. Detroit at Chicago Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Detroit 31% 7% 3.5 65 41% 7% 5.1 83 14 Chicago 45% 4% 3.1 58 45% 9% 5.7 101 25 Yawn, yawn, yawn, two teams going nowhere so it figures it would wind up in overtime. And what a brilliant move (note wicked sarcasm) to kick rather than receive mr morningwheg-can't spell your name but won't need to in another few weeks anyway... Green Bay at Tampa Bay Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Green Bay 25% 17% 3.5 50 41% 5% 4.1 46 0 Tampa Bay 52% 4% 3.7 84 45% 6% 4.3 69 25 Bucs defense is THAT good. Jacksonville at Dallas Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Jacksonville 50% 19% 5.0 92 46% 2% 4.2 79 12 Dallas 44% 14% 3.8 86 55% 14% 9.2 134 43 Something must be wrong with the old computer. 43 points for Dallas is at least half a season's worth of games. Still they did get the W against the up-and-down Jags. Minnesota at New England Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Minnesota 60% 24% 6.1 120 44% 4% 4.6 94 29 New England 31% 3% 2.5 44 51% 10% 6.4 125 26 WRONG TEAM WON FOLKS! Let me show you the Ross Perot charts (sponsored by USA Today). Vikings had three fumbles and Culpepper refuses to throw the ball to Moss unless he's going over the middle (here's another high one for you Randy!). Patriots dang lucky. Better of course though to be lucky than good in the NFL. San Diego at Miami Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score San Diego 36% 5% 3.4 63 34% 4% 3.2 46 3 Miami 51% 22% 4.3 102 53% 8% 7.6 123 37 They did the Mash, they did the Monster Mash. San Diego may be on the 2001 deja vu trick -- only a botched kick by the 49ers saved them from heading into week thirteen on a four game post bye losing streak. Tennessee at Baltimore Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Tennessee 51% 7% 3.8 72 42% 6% 5.6 69 19 Baltimore 50% 13% 4.7 83 24% 0% 3.1 31 3 Titans should have won say the numbers. 200+ more yards passing didn't translate into a lot of points for Tennessee, now did it? Kansas City at Seattle Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Kansas City 73% 38% 8.3 184 64% 8% 9.5 162 57 Seattle 68% 14% 6.2 127 67% 18% 10.1 190 58 After three quarters of play in this NBA spectacular, it's the Sonics 58, Kings 57...whoops! Wrong sport. Actually this type of matchup could be kind of fun (for fantasy football players especially). Too bad there's no rematch with Seattle out of the AFC West. Oakland at Arizona Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Oakland 61% 9% 5.6 114 47% 9% 7.2 123 36 Arizona 36% 21% 6.9 94 27% 3% 3.5 40 9 Boy are Arizona terrible. This game stood between Tim and a perfect 6-0 record. Ah well, gives me something to shoot for this week. N.Y. Giants at Houston Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score N.Y. Giants 36% 16% 6.2 96 31% 7% 4.5 62 22 Houston 42% 11% 2.8 57 28% 4% 3.1 42 3 Giants should have won. Should have just kept giving the ball to Barber for that matter. There goes the playoffs. St. Louis at Washington Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score St. Louis 43% 19% 5.2 87 51% 4% 5.0 96 17 Washington 42% 8% 3.3 81 49% 12% 8.8 138 42 Curious...Rams go 0-5, then win five in a row, then Warner comes back and they lose. Hmmm, interesting, very interesting. Indianapolis at Denver Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Indianapolis 50% 5% 3.3 84 45% 4% 4.6 82 19 Denver 54% 9% 5.1 113 44% 14% 5.4 62 20 Wrong team won, so say the numbers. These guys will both likely get their chance in the post-season. Philadelphia at San Francisco Matchup Rush PSR Rush Big Rush Yds Rush EFR Pass PSR Pass Big Pass Yds Pass EFR Stats Score Philadelphia 41% 10% 3.7 79 51% 16% 7.8 138 39 San Francisco 55% 22% 5.7 111 37% 6% 4.1 76 18 49ers not ready for primetime. All right, back to the Tim versus gigantic wheezing O/D ranks computer, it's now Tim 3, Computer 2 and 2 Draws on the weekly scoring system (yeah, there was some research article posted about all this O/D line nonsense, Read it here). The rules have been made clear to me: if I ever get behind I'm out, but that ain't likely to happen, so friends, not if the old genius mind keeps getting its daily tequila rations. To Battle then! O/D Ranks Line Week 13 Away Line Home O/D Line Pick Value New England +6 Detroit 8 New England 2 Washington +1 Dallas -3 Dallas -4 Arizona -9.5 Kansas City -11 Kansas City -1.5 Atlanta +3.5 Minnesota -7 Minnesota -10.5 Baltimore +3 Cincinnati -4 Cincinnati -7 Carolina -7.5 Cleveland 1 Carolina 8.5 Chicago -9.5 Green Bay -10 Green Bay -.5 Miami +2.5 Buffalo 8 Miami 5.5 Pittsburgh +3 Jacksonville 4 Pittsburgh 1 Tennessee -3 N.Y. Giants -10 N.Y. Giants -7 Denver +3 San Diego 8 Denver 5 Houston -11 Indianapolis -7 Houston 4 Seattle -9 San Francisco -11 San Francisco -2 St. Louis +1 Philadelphia -3 Philadelphia -4 Tampa Bay +0 New Orleans 1 Tampa Bay 1 N.Y. Jets -6.5 Oakland -2 N.Y. Jets 4.5 ANALYSIS: Ha! Ha! Excuse me if I chortle but apparently the computer isn't used to losing in the clutch and has a few screws out of whack for this week's action. I mean really, Cincinnati and Carolina in the same week?? Mr. O/D Computer considers it a pick anytime the O/D Line is 7 points away from the vegas spread. Thus my foe goes for: Minnesota, Cincinnati, Carolina, and N.Y. Giants. Tim draws four cards in response... flips 'em over... to reveal... BUFFALO, WASHINGTON, SEATTLE and the better New York team...the JETS! Last Week: Tim 5-1, O/D Ranks 4-2 tim@twominutewarning.com Return to TwoMinuteWarning.com Copyright © 2002 by TwoMinuteWarning.com, All Right Reserved