Hot off the presses, the early edition TMW play-by-play ratings for your perusal from the most recent week of this festive NFL season. For those new to the numbers read the following:

• PSR: Play Success Rate - every play is graded as either a success or failure
• Big: percentage of plays that went for big gains...10+ yards for a run, 20+ for a pass
• Yds: adjusted yards per play, including penalties and excluding non-plays
• EFR: Effectiveness rating. One number overall summary.
• Stats Score: This is the projected score the TMW computer would have spit out if the stats for the game were the numbers coming in. This column lets us know who "should" have won.

Jets barely won this game in reality, but maybe they were just toying with their prey?

Yup, this one should have been closer then the final score. Does look like Carolina has that whole "curse of the Super Bowl loser" thing going on.

Chiefs, Schmiefs. How can you have Priest Holmes and A) only get a lousy 33% PSR rushing, and B) have zero big gain plays? Has Vermeil lost his touch?

Sayonara San Diego. Hellooo Atlanta.

Yowza. Some folks were griping around here because the Dol-fails couldn't punch it in late in the game with first and goal at the one. Looks like they were lucky to be even in the game. Wannstedt countdown is at one game: that's right one more loss and Timmy says he's out.

Give the 'Skins this: they play good defense. Now if they just had a hope in heck of completing a pass once in a while! Chicago meanwhile has no hope with "El Quinn" as the QB. You too could probably average 1.7 yards per pass in the NFL.

It's tough being a Bengals fan this year, I'll tell ya. Here's the thing: if they had gone with Kitna from the get-go they would be what at least 3-2 now, instead of fooling around with the Carson Kressley follies. Now it's almost too late to make the move with the season shot.

Quit whining Seattle fans, you ain't that good. People just ain't no good...
as the immortal Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds sang on, yes the Shrek II soundtrack:

People just ain't no good
I think that's well understood
You can see it everywhere you look
People just ain't no good

We were married under cherry trees
Under blossom we made our vows
All the blossoms came sailing down
Through the streets and through the playgrounds

The sun would stream on the sheets
Awoken by the morning birds
We'd buy the Sunday newspapers
And never read a single word

People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good

Seasons came, Seasons went
The winter stripped the blossoms bare
A different tree now lines the streets
Shaking its fists in the air
The winter slammed us like a fist
The windows rattling in the gales
To which she drew the curtains
Made out of her wedding veils

People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good

To our love send a dozen white lilies
To our love send a coffin of wood
To our love let aal the pink-eyed pigeons coo
That people they just ain't no good
To our love send back all the letters
To our love a valentine of blood
To our love let all the jilted lovers cry
That people they just ain't no good

It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They can comfort you, some even try
They nurse you when you're ill of health
They bury you when you go and die
It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They'd stick by you if they could
But that's just bull baby
People just ain't no good

People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good at love

...and that's all I have to say about that.

"Hello Detroit, nice to see you again."
"Um, hello Mr. Packer, nice to see you too sir."

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! (Think John Lee Hooker.) Houston is 4-REAL (for you younger generation, shorter attention span, grown on boy/girl bands types...and yes I do own the trademark to that future top teeny bopper band name).

Oakland is like a Jelly Doughnut...

From my Friends, and for my friends

Monty Python

London 1895... The residence of Mr Oscar Wilde

(In WILDE's drawing room. A crowd of suitably dressed folk are engaged in typically brilliant conversation, laughing affectedly and drinking champagne)

PRINCE OF WALES: My congratulations, Wilde. Your latest play is a great success. The whole of London's talking about you.
OSCAR: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
(There follows fifteen seconds of restrained and sycophantic laughter)
PRINCE: Very very witty... very very witty.
WHISTLER: There's only one thing in the world worse than being witty and that is not being witty.
(Fifteen seconds more of the same)
OSCAR: I wish I had said that.
Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will.
(More laughter)
OSCAR: Your majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?
PRINCE: Yes, we've played squash together.
OSCAR: There is only one thing worse than playing squash together, and that is playing it by yourself.
(Silence)
I wish I hadn't said that.
WHISTLER: You did, Oscar, you did.
(A little laughter)
PRINCE: I've got to get back up to the palace.
OSCAR: Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.
PRINCE: I beg your pardon?
OSCAR: Um... it was one of Whistler's.
WHISTLER: I never said that.
OSCAR: You did, James, you did.
(The PRINCE OF WALES stares expectantly at WHISTLER)
WHISTLER: ... Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um, your arrival gives us pleasure... and your departure only makes us hungry for more.
(Laughter)
Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's piss.
PRINCE: What?!?
WHISTLER: It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's.
OSCAR: It sodding was not! It was Shaw!
SHAW: I... I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
PRINCE (accepting the compliment): Oh.
OSCAR (To WHISTLER): Right.
(To PRINCE)Your majesty is like a dose of clap. Before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.
PRINCE (Loudly): WHAT?
WHISTLER and OSCAR: One of Shaw's, one of Shaw's.
SHAW: You bastards. Um... what I meant, Your Majesty, what I meant...
OSCAR: We've got him, Jim.
WHISTLER and OSCAR: Come on, Shaw-y.
SHAW: I merely meant...
OSCAR: Come on, Shaw-y.
WHISTLER: Let's have a bit of wit, then, man.
SHAW: (Blows raspberry)
(The PRINCE shakes SHAW's hand. Laughter all around)

A good game in real life. A good game in the stats table too. Both these teams make me go "blah" with the exception of Ben Whats-his-name who is swell. Eli, Schmeeli. Rivers, Schmivers. Lozman, Schlozman.

Just another day, another 5 TD's for Culpepper, and another win for Minny.

What do you know about that. The stats score is exactly the opposite of the real score, which means we have a WRONG TEAM WON game, the only one of the week.